So, finally, after about 8 months, I took the walk to my gym. The gym that I've been making monthly payments to just to help them out with their rent I guess, since I haven't set foot in it. When I first stopped waking up at 7am and doing my morning workout, I blamed it on my new-found love and obsession: my art. I was working until 2 or 3 in the morning every single night on all these wonderful pieces of art. I really could care less about getting to the gym in the morning, and after I come home from my various jobs, I'm too tired to go.
One thing led to another and one week turned into two, two weeks into a month and a month into 8 MONTHS. I'm of the belief that if I don't work out, and stop counting points (Weight Watchers) I will gain weight, therefore, I did. I've gained about 20lbs back out of the 35 I lost last year. Not a big deal to some, but I feel them right away. My jeans let me know something was up a couple of months ago actually. Looking good in jeans is one thing but I'm more interested in occupying the right amount of space in this world. What I mean by that is this: when I'm bigger than my "normal" size, I feel like I'm occupying more space than I need to. I'm heavier, not in just the physical sense, but in all ways. When I'm at the weight that is right for me, I feel so light and so just "right" that it's as if I'm able to float. It's also a mental weight that gets lifted as well.
So, anyway, I gained the 20lbs and with work and my mom being sick and facing that depression I wrote about, I just have not concentrated on working out at all. Today was the day though. I didn't plan on it. I woke up and just knew that I was going to go back to the gym. Now, I've been working on minding my own business, like Byron Katie says. And also, not letting my ego get in the way and making me afraid of doing things just because I fear judgment from others. For the most part, I can say I do pretty well with that. What other people say or think about me is not really my problem. You cannot live your life trying to please others because you will most likely always be disappointed or hurt. I totally get that.
Yet, there I was, walking to the gym and some of those thoughts, (in this case, little rocks not boulders), appeared on my way. "What are the people at the gym going to say? Here he is again . . . he gained weight . . . again. Why does he keep doing that?" Blah blah blah.
As I was walking and thinking these thoughts, I actually started laughing. It was a little surprising to me that I was thinking this. That there was a part of me that actually still worried about what others thought. Especially about my weight. I'm glad I started laughing and kept walking because there would have been a time years and years ago when I probably would have turned back and gone home. Can you imagine giving others that much power over your life?
Those thoughts, if not dealt with or at least investigated, could really be damaging. I think back at my high-school self and remember how those feelings kept me trapped for so long. I was afraid of doing anything because I was worried about what others were going to think of me. Now that is something I don't care to live through again.
The truth is that nobody really cares at my gym whether or not I've gained weight. First of all, that's why you go to a gym. Either to lose weight, or to maintain the weight you've got or to just be healthy. Also, I don't go to the gym to make others happy or to get complimented on my weight loss, etc. If I did, it would seem to me that I would be there every single day.
The ego really likes to take over doesn't it? It's really important to be aware of ego's presence and learn to ignore those damaging thought patterns. Those loops that we keep playing in our minds. Once you realize what they really are, just tapes that your ego likes to play over and over again, in order to gain some control, then you can push stop. We are all equipped with the ability to stop a loop that doesn't feel right. How do you know when the loop or tape or story you're playing is not the right one? Well, for me, the most telling sign is that it doesn't feel good. It makes me feel all the emotions that are opposite from FEELING GOOD.
Believe me, I'm not always so quick to press STOP and really just center myself. But, the more you do it, like today for me, the easier it gets. Also, the more you do it the quicker you get at recognizing when you've started playing one of those old, boring tapes again. In some cases, the thing is so old it's like an old 8-Track. Who needs that!?
One thing led to another and one week turned into two, two weeks into a month and a month into 8 MONTHS. I'm of the belief that if I don't work out, and stop counting points (Weight Watchers) I will gain weight, therefore, I did. I've gained about 20lbs back out of the 35 I lost last year. Not a big deal to some, but I feel them right away. My jeans let me know something was up a couple of months ago actually. Looking good in jeans is one thing but I'm more interested in occupying the right amount of space in this world. What I mean by that is this: when I'm bigger than my "normal" size, I feel like I'm occupying more space than I need to. I'm heavier, not in just the physical sense, but in all ways. When I'm at the weight that is right for me, I feel so light and so just "right" that it's as if I'm able to float. It's also a mental weight that gets lifted as well.
So, anyway, I gained the 20lbs and with work and my mom being sick and facing that depression I wrote about, I just have not concentrated on working out at all. Today was the day though. I didn't plan on it. I woke up and just knew that I was going to go back to the gym. Now, I've been working on minding my own business, like Byron Katie says. And also, not letting my ego get in the way and making me afraid of doing things just because I fear judgment from others. For the most part, I can say I do pretty well with that. What other people say or think about me is not really my problem. You cannot live your life trying to please others because you will most likely always be disappointed or hurt. I totally get that.
Yet, there I was, walking to the gym and some of those thoughts, (in this case, little rocks not boulders), appeared on my way. "What are the people at the gym going to say? Here he is again . . . he gained weight . . . again. Why does he keep doing that?" Blah blah blah.
As I was walking and thinking these thoughts, I actually started laughing. It was a little surprising to me that I was thinking this. That there was a part of me that actually still worried about what others thought. Especially about my weight. I'm glad I started laughing and kept walking because there would have been a time years and years ago when I probably would have turned back and gone home. Can you imagine giving others that much power over your life?
Those thoughts, if not dealt with or at least investigated, could really be damaging. I think back at my high-school self and remember how those feelings kept me trapped for so long. I was afraid of doing anything because I was worried about what others were going to think of me. Now that is something I don't care to live through again.
The truth is that nobody really cares at my gym whether or not I've gained weight. First of all, that's why you go to a gym. Either to lose weight, or to maintain the weight you've got or to just be healthy. Also, I don't go to the gym to make others happy or to get complimented on my weight loss, etc. If I did, it would seem to me that I would be there every single day.
The ego really likes to take over doesn't it? It's really important to be aware of ego's presence and learn to ignore those damaging thought patterns. Those loops that we keep playing in our minds. Once you realize what they really are, just tapes that your ego likes to play over and over again, in order to gain some control, then you can push stop. We are all equipped with the ability to stop a loop that doesn't feel right. How do you know when the loop or tape or story you're playing is not the right one? Well, for me, the most telling sign is that it doesn't feel good. It makes me feel all the emotions that are opposite from FEELING GOOD.
Believe me, I'm not always so quick to press STOP and really just center myself. But, the more you do it, like today for me, the easier it gets. Also, the more you do it the quicker you get at recognizing when you've started playing one of those old, boring tapes again. In some cases, the thing is so old it's like an old 8-Track. Who needs that!?
I'm happy to report the gym experience was a great one. I was greeted very warmly by the owner. He asked how I was and what I had been up to. I got on some of the machines that I know so well and did very light weight training to just get my muscles warmed up a bit. Nobody laughed, nobody pointed and stared. Nobody really cared. I did my work out. Listened to Kylie. I visualized and felt my body changing. I daydreamed a little about what it feels like to occupy that "right space" and had a fantastic time.
Those 20 glorious pounds will come off in no time!
Peace and light and keep dreaming,
Gene-Manuel
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