Fear of a dark place . . .

A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dark places . . . they can be quite nice . . . if you're sleeping or taking a nap. This wasn't the kind of dark place I ventured into this past Saturday. I woke up and started to get ready for the day ahead, going about business as usual. But, I felt a bit different. My energy was very low and my thoughts kept on focusing on what was NOT going on in my life rather than on what WAS. I tried my best to guide my thoughts in the right direction and for the better part of the morning, early afternoon, I sort of . . . well . . . did my best. Towards mid-day I decided to just go there. I decided to feel as miserable and dark as I wanted to. I wasn't going to fake it or stop it.

This little sojourn into a low and dark place was brought on by Fear of course. I had been battling it for the past couple of days and completely ignoring it the day before (Friday). I finally let it take me down although I was fully aware of the fact that I had within me all it took to come out of it. The first step was to promise that I would only allow myself to be in this state for a maximum of a couple of hours. That was it. I was going to feel the darkness, touch upon the misery, feel sorry for myself but only for the allotted amount of time. The other, was to not keep it a secret or fake my way through it. In the midst of it all I updated my Facebook status letting everyone that read it know what I was going through.

Almost immediately there were responses to my posting. Jhon already knew how I was feeling before the update so he had already given me his support, like he always does. The outpouring of concern and the sending of positive and uplifting vibes was palpable. By the time I got home, I was already coming out of the funk. Jhon had prepared an incredible dinner and we waited until I was fully in the clear before enjoying it. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by my art and by the people I love and love me unconditionally. Affirmations came to mind and I started to repeat them, almost without being aware of it. More than just repeating them, I entered the place of "feeling" them. "The Universe always has the best in store for me." "I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy." Two of my favorites that always have the ability to uplift and raise my energy.

Pretty soon I was able to do another status update that declared I was OUT of the dark place and into the light. In hindsight, my little adventure, because why call it anything else, really lasted about an hour total. Less than what I had given myself permission to experience! Ha! That was an awesome realization. The fact that I was able to go through a rough time, willingly, fully knowing that I was responsible for it and to then know that I had the ability to come out of it at any time. Giving myself permission to do feel as terrible as I wanted to, putting a time limit on that, and then receiving all of the positive energy from friends and loved ones are the reasons that I came out of the state so quickly.

Lots of things were proven to me by going through this. At least, for me, personally. First, that it's OK to some times just feel bad, sad or mad and full of rage and still hold on to the power we have within to get ourselves out of it. We always have it. In every single situation we are faced with, we always have control over how we feel. I also realized how important and powerful is the energy of friends and other people around you. I truly believe that when we genuinely send out positive, loving, caring or healing thoughts towards someone else, that is energy being released and sent directly to that person. And, it works. Believe me . . . it really does work. When my friends posted their comments on my update, encouraging me and sending me love and good energy . . . I FELT it. That was just through a computer. Then I received a phone call from another good friend asking me who's ass she had to kick for me . . . ah laughter and more loving and caring energy via a phone call and the sound of her voice. So, it's OK to let people know when you're not feeling 100%. It's OK to let others know how you are feeling and be truthful. The right people will come to your aid or offer just what you're needing.

Peace and Light to you and KEEP DREAMING!

Gene-Manuel

In CHANGE there is POWER . . .

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." ~ Alan Cohen

I recently received a phone call from a good friend of mine, Erica, and since I was rather busy at the time of the call, I let it go to voicemail. Erica left me a very nice message, asking me how I was and hoping that all was well with us. Since Erica is quite funny, I love receiving her messages because the message will undoubtedly make me laugh. At the end of this particular message, Erica wished me what ended up being, much bliss. Erica had a hard time finding the right words since this was sort of new to her. You see, Erica was trying to speak "that crazy, wacko talk" I now have. Those were her words. Meaning, my new-found spirituality and positivity.

Now, I don't want you to think that Erica was trying to be mean or disparaging. There was a lot of love in the message and in her own way, she was trying to acknowledge my new state of "blissfulness" and let me know, she had been paying attention. This was just Erica being Erica and I loved her for that very much. But, I must say that I found the comment interesting. I immediately knew I'd be writing about it and that's always exciting news. With all of the other projects I'm involved with, being inspired to write and making the time to write is sometimes not so easy.

Erica's comment about my "crazy, wacko talk" made me realize how over the last year or so, I have indeed changed from the old me, to this new wacko talking me. How the person that I was several years ago, no longer really exists, but only a minor glimpse of him can be found every now and again when there's a slight glitch in my connection. Like a ghost. It also made me truly see how much happier I am with the me that I've finally let shine through.

This transformation, if you want to call it that, has been a long time coming. I've been attracting all kinds of teachers along the way since my early 20s when a friend and her girlfriend gave me Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love. I read it then and although some of it made sense, I wasn't ready for it. At the time I had issues with the word God and anyone that spoke to much about God, just wasn't for me. I had just escaped from my religious background and I could not get past the G word.

Then a couple of years later, I was introduced to The Magic of Believing in an interview with comedic genius Phyllis Diller. Phyllis was asked about her start in comedy when she was already in her 40s, with five children. She said that she had read a book that had changed her life. That book was The Magic of Believing by Claude M. Bristol. I immediately ran out to get this book which at the time was basically almost out of print. I found a copy and devoured it. Loved it to so much that I photocopied the entire book and gave it to my friends for X-Mas that year. I don't think any of them cared for it but for a brief time, this book had made perfect sense to me. In fact, in hindsight, I've used the principles in that book ever since I read it. Most of the time, I wasn't really aware of it but I know I did. I don't think I was completely ready for what I was learning but what is obvious is that these kinds of teachings have always been around me. I've always been attracted to them and they've always been presented to me in one way or another.

It just took a while for me to really make a connection with it all. For years I think I was afraid to truly believe in anything. I didn't want to be thought of as crazy. I also didn't know who I would become if I stopped being this bitter, sarcastic, people-hating, rage-filled Gene-Manuel. Who would I be? That had been my identity for so long! That's the person I had been hiding behind because it was much easier to complain about life and how much I hated it, than to do something about it and get out of my fucking way. I had also surrounded myself with beautiful people that accepted me as that bitter wise-cracking individual, warts and all. Who would I be in front of my friends? Would they all think I was nuts or even believe me? Would we have anything in common anymore? For a long time I had a fear of letting go of the familiar, of being miserable, for what I thought was only fantasy. There is great comfort in accepting what you think is your toll in life without venturing out and really living.

Once I became aware that I had to change in order to save my life, in order to start enjoying my life, all other concerns paled in comparison. Being stuck in an endless cycle of depression and anger was definitely not a way to live. All of these new ways of thinking that I was attracting, such as The Secret, Abraham-Hicks and Eckhart Tolle, were breaking through that exterior I had created to protect me. Eckart Tolle's writing made me aware of my ego and the part it played in the things I did or did not do. Once you're able to understand how ego can take over your life, then what others think of you becomes less of a concern. People will either accept you or they won't but you can't ever live your life worried about that. And once I became comfortable with who I was becoming, and believe me, I was as surprised at first as anybody, the Universe took care of bringing the right teachers and people into my life that I could connect with. The right books and movies came into my hands. I was more open to the messages. I became more understanding of what I was meant to be doing with my life. I slowly said goodbye to the old Gene-Manuel.

I had a rather interesting dream that was a sort of farewell to him. Luckily, Louise Hay was there to help me do it. In her calm and gentle way, she basically told me that the old me was no longer. He had served a purpose but it was time for me to say Goodbye. I no longer needed to hide behind that facade. It was a beautiful dream that I can still remember vividly. When I awoke, I felt a sense of loss for that old me but a renewed sense of self as well. So many things made sense, not only in regards to my actions in the past but of what I was doing in the now and things to come.

So it's ok if people think I'm talking crazy with all my positive posts, Day-Dreaming Tuesdays, Thank You Universe Rampages and Louise Hay quotes. That is just wonderful! I'll keep doing things this way as long as I feel the connection and keep floating downstream. I thank all of you that have joined me on this journey. All of your encouragement and kind words about what I'm doing now really keeps me in the flow and I am so grateful. Let's continue our wacko talk together! What amazing things we'll be able to create!

Peace and Light to you and KEEP DREAMING!

Gene-Manuel